My Guy

Happy Birthday

A very HAPPY BIRTHDAY to my little chick!


May your day be full of lots of hugs, delicious cake, and some nice naps!

And the adventure that you are always looking for!

Confession

Tonight I told a lie.

I'm really not proud of it at all.

We picked up H&G and headed to the mall. While at the play area, there were two women who were just enthralled with H&G. They were black women and kept staring at her and at us as we engaged with her. I'm still not really sure how to handle this kind of attention from black women. I always feel a little self-conscious as you never know if they are just watching because H&G is so stinkin' adorable or if they are agitated that a white women is raising a black baby. Usually within the first few minutes I can tell where they stand but these women were a little more tricky to read.

They sat kind of huddled together, watching and whispering.

Meanwhile, we were having a great time with H&G. She is definitely a toddler. Walking all over, climbing whatever she can, and screaming anytime WeeklyAd or HomeAudio got in her way. The purpose of our get together was to celebrate H&G's birthday. She will officially be a one year old tomorrow and since we couldn't spend the actual day with her, we tried to make the most of this evening.

Of course, I am struggling with the fact that we won't see her on her actual birthday! I have never, ever, ever missed celebrating my kid's birthdays on the actual date. Even if we have a separate party planned for a weekend, we always have cake and try to make the real day special. So, to miss H&G's birthday, and her first one at that, is horrible. terrible. I feel awful. really!

So already feeling a bit emotional...and not even knowing if I should feel guilty or not since technically she is not my daughter (but she is...in my heart) and what exactly I should be feeling about this little lady turning one and still not being in our home and already feeling a bit self conscious about these women.....when we walked past them, when they asked me how old she was, I simply replied "she'll be one tomorrow." Then when one of them asked "aww, do you have big plans for tomorrow?" I couldn't help myself.

I lied.

Saying that we were going to have a little party with some cake seemed so much less complicated than explaining everything that I have mentioned above. Somehow saying "well, really she is a foster child and not our foster child but a baby that we love and are hoping to adopt but really can't spend her first birthday with her so here we are at the mall..." didn't sound as simple and happy as my lie did. And it kills me that I have to tell people that this beautiful baby is a foster child. Especially when I want to tell them so badly that she is in fact, my daughter.

But I'm not justifying it. Though it sounds like I am. Because I immediately went to Management and confessed at which time he said he heard and then I started to cry. Because I already felt emotional. And now I'm a liar.

But I often feel like a liar because we are in this awkward in-between phase. Every time she calls me "mama" or WeeklyAd says, "come to sissy", though it feels so natural and so right, it's not the full truth. Like I said, in our hearts, she is ours. Our family doesn't feel complete when she's not here. But I don't have the full freedom to tell her I'm her "mama." To say that I am is not the full truth. To say I'm not is not the full truth either.

But she loves us and we love her and that IS the absolute truth!

Welcome Home

Thanks for sharing on my blogging post. It's nice to know I'm not alone and it was good to hear your perspective and thoughts! I can't tell you all how much I love your blogs, following you on FB, and sharing life with you! I know I gush a lot about my friends and how thankful I am for all of you but it is absolutely true!

Changing Topic-

I'm going to be headed to the airport in about 5 hours to pick up Management! I can't wait! I asked the kids if they wanted to make a poster and actually go IN to the airport to meet daddy.

WeeklyAd said "no way, people will look at us."

HomeAudio replied, "that's just for adoptions."

I'm still trying to convince them as I think it would be special for Management to see us there but then again I don't want to be standing there with a sign while my kids are hiding behind baggage claim.

Good Thing She Doesn't Know That Is A Bad Word!

We went to our neighborhood Halloween party this evening. Clearly it was a kids' party. There were lots of kids and their happy, picture snapping parents. And right in the middle was one scary character. An adult man who had on a very creepy skull mask with long black hair.

WeeklyAd was terrified! Shaking! So when the man's friends, who happen to be neighbors that we like and talk to, came to say hello, I told them that their friend was scaring WeeklyAd to death.

They looked at WeeklyAd, who was sobbing and clenching my shirt and laughed.

And then, as if that wasn't bad enough, the woman bent down and said, right in WeeklyAd's face mind you....

if he comes near you, tell me and I'll kick his ***.

R.E.A.L.L.Y?

And with that we left the party.

Blogging

With Management out of town, I've had A LOT of time* to think...and lurk...and think. I've been thinking a lot about blogging. What is my reason for blogging, why don't I do it as much anymore, how much time and truth should go into blogging.

I have to be honest - I've kind of struggled with this from day one. Management would always ask me "what is your purpose in blogging?" Well, to journal my kid's lives of course. I don't homeschool, I can't cook, I don't have family far away that needs the blog to keep up with us, I don't have have a sick child where I need the blog to update and share prayer requests (I am beyond grateful that my children are healthy!), I'm not adopting (at the time), etc. I'm simply a mom who doesn't have time to scrapbook and wants to journal and keep track of life - and interact with friends and their families too. I learn so much and get so much support from other mommy bloggers. And shop at Target! :)

But as time went on and these other mommy bloggers got more "famous" and more influential, I thought about it all again. What is the purpose of this blog? Do I want to have an inspiring blog with devotionals, scripture, etc? Having a husband dedicated to fighting Human Trafficking and modern day slavery, I was tempted to use my blog for that cause and to raise awareness about that. Should I try to make money with my blog and allow ads? Do I want to have a comical blog? But, the bottom line, for now, was no - while I can certainly include things about our ministry and desire to fight these evils, the blog is really intended to be a journal about our family. So no ads. NOT THAT there is anything wrong with that! :) I'm not against that at all, but it brings temptations and time constraints that are not good for me. For me advertising to other blogs, trying to spread my name, and trying to get more readers would make me be someone I'm not.

And though I have about 3 readers to their 10,000 readers, the more I read PW or Mck or SM - the less I blogged because I didn't want to be like them and I didn't want to even appear that I was trying to be like them. Some of our writing styles are similar and though I was writing like that before, I couldn't write like that anymore because it reminded me of them. It's like trying to write a book that was already written but just changing the names of the characters.

So I've had a blogger identity crisis. :)

And then Management said that he felt like I was a different person on my blog than I was in real life (as did someone else whose opinion matters greatly to me). And that is absolutely NOT what I want to hear! I want to be real and authentic and present truth - about our family, about what we do, where we go, and how we view the world. I do not want to present ourselves one way on our blog and another in person!

So I've been thinking....and looking at all the criticism from another blog site regarding a "famous" site is helping me conclude even more that this blog is for close friends and family. And hopefully, for my kids. And I have to be honest. Good. Bad. And Ugly.

But it is still kind of a struggle for me, I have to admit. I think I need to go back to the days where I didn't really think about it - I just shared. And I think that is where the authenticity and vulnerability comes from. The purpose of this blog comes from the purpose of my life. What am I called to do at this time in life -mother small children, support my husband as he travels, volunteer in church and school, serve my neighbors, etc. - that is the material of my life and therefore the material of this blog.

Thoughts? Has your purpose for blogging changed over time?

*we won't mention all the things that are left undone in order to have all of this time.

So....

Management travels quite frequently but he is usually just a phone call away. Yesterday he left for Africa and has been in the air now for about 15 hours. He seems SO FAR away! I think the great distance I feel is because I can't talk to him. I have no way of contacting him and I feel like he is so cut off from the world below him.

The kids and I are heading to my mother-in-law's this evening to spend the night and tomorrow morning with her. After that we will head to Gracee's to spend the day celebrating her boys' birthdays. I'm so excited to see them all! And hopefully, the excitement of a mini-trip will keep the kids' minds off of how much they miss their daddy too.

And today we are enjoying time with H&G! She is getting so big! And so fun! I'll try to post some new pics on Monday. Until then, have a great weekend!

Creatvity

For so many reasons, I long for the good ole days when I was home with my little ones. I miss the little girls playing dress-up in the next room and the ample time I had to blog about such occasions. Times have changed.

And times are good. Just different. But, side note, my daughter still loves to play dress-up! And I'm thankful for that!

But my ample time to blog and try to be creative has passed for now. I know it will return. But for now, my creativity goes into book reports, newsletters, practice tests, bulletin boards, and....volunteering.

It's such a struggle to hold myself back with these book reports. Give me 5 minutes in Michaels and I have a cart full of supplies and lots of great ideas. But I have to come home, plop the bag of supplies down in front of HomeAudio and let him create his own ideas. That's the right thing to do. Let him do his own project. But it kills me! I say no thank you to repeating 5th grade math but give me a 5th grade book report any day! The things I could create.

I also say no thank you to bulletin boards! I learned this last week - they are not my gift! Now practice tests are another story. I missed my calling on that one! Well, I guess I didn't really miss my calling since I create about one a week. Science, Social Studies, Math, Bible, etc. I can fit just about any subject into a good fill-in-the-blank, T/F, Draw a Line to the Correct Answer, Essay Practice Test. Not very creative after all, I suppose, but it fills a void. Somehow.

I don't really think this post has a point! :) Just trying to keep my hands off of the unfinished project my son left on the table. The scissors, the felt, the stickers, the scrapbook paper, and the book - but he's off to a great start and because it's the right thing to do (did I say that already?), I'll let him finish it tomorrow.

Good night!

More Updates

I'm feeling better today -

I've been increasingly frustrated with our case worker. I suppose she has good reasons for it, but our paperwork that was supposed to be mailed 2 weeks ago, still has not been mailed. And we won't even talk about the fact that in the beginning of August she said she hoped to get it all done in 30 days. It's now been 60 days and then some! BUT, I know, you are all saying in your heads "God's timing is perfect. He knows what's going on behind the scenes. He has a plan." And you are all right! I know this! And it's true! So we are still waiting and while we are waiting, we are exercising our hope and faith and getting a very good spiritual work-out.

H&G is doing very well. She is now toddling across the room, her second tooth just popped through, and her hair is growing and growing and growing! She is so delightful and an easy going baby that goes with the flow so well. She is an excellent sleeper and a tremendous cuddler. I'm so thankful that she likes to cuddle!!

HomeAudio and WeeklyAd are doing very well too. They both are enjoying school and though 5th grade is definitely more challenging, HomeAudio is learning how to navigate through and finding where he needs to step up and where he needs to let go. We've added some mood swings and testing to the mix but I guess at age 11 that is a little expected. Time to break out my "pre-teen/teenager" books again and re-read them all.

Management is nervous about his upcoming trip to Africa. I can't believe it is almost here already! I'm very anxious to see how God works in and through him during his time there! While he is gone, I'm hoping to take HomeAudio and WeeklyAd to visit Aunt Grace and her boys. I can't believe it's been a year already since my last visit!? I miss her so much and am very anxious to spend time with the boys. I just can't wait to see them all!

So much to update on my end but I'm out of time - Thanks for your continued prayers!!!

Covers

It's 6:30pm and truthfully, I am ready for bed!

It's been a VERY frustrating day.

Good Night!

Dad and Ad

~yes, her shirt says I *heart* Dad. It was very interesting to me how many men at the game stopped us to tell her they liked her shirt.